I found it so hard to cry.
I lost my dad suddenly in December 2014. On New Year’s Day 2016, I made the decision to move on with my life.
I had survived the year and I wanted to be DONE with grieving.
I don’t know if you’ve ever lost anyone but grief doesn’t adhere to a schedule…unfortunately.
During that year grief would come at the most “inconvenient” of times.
I would be walking down the street and I’d get triggered by something stupid like a Greggs pork pie. I’d feel the pain in my heart start to swell. Not wanting to “cause a scene”, I swallowed down and promised to deal with it later.
I was an IT consultant at the time, working from home. I could easily go all week without seeing anyone which suited me fine. Work was busy and the perfect distraction.
In the evenings, a bottle of wine and a takeaway usually did the trick… I’d deal with it later.
At weekends, I saw my mum and I didn’t want to pile more grief onto her… I’d deal with it later.
Occasionally the grief would get tired of waiting and decide that its time was now. Usually in the car. As if it was saying “Right… you aren’t working, eating, drinking or looking after your mum. No one can hear you. I’ve got you and you can’t escape. CRY GODDAMMIT!“
I would cry and scream, so many tears it was hard to see the road. The pain burnt through my heart but surprisingly, within a few minutes the grief had passed through.
Back to January 2016
I found a therapist. She told me to stop pushing grief away and that I had to make friends with it. This was hard to hear! If I made friends with it wouldn’t it stick around forever? She also introduced me to EFT aka that “weird tapping thing”.
EFT is emotional freedom technique. By tapping and saying statements it releases the emotion. It sounded ridiculous, but it was worth a shot.
I remember sitting on the sofa one night and I felt the grief well up in my heart. I said OK, let’s do this. I’m here for you. A sense of relief shot through my body. At last, someone is here for me. It wasn’t my grief I’d been pushing away, it was a part of me. The part that was in so much pain. That night I held her tight and we sobbed together. We made friends and actually she’s alright… she can stick around.
Whenever grief came up I made time for it. I’d be out on a dog walk and I’d use the EFT. Tapping on my head saying “even though I feel this grief, I love and accept myself”.
Yes, I probably looked a bit stupid but who cares, I felt happy after doing it.
A month on, I felt so much better. I booked myself a trip to Costa Rica and I felt more alive than ever before. Little did I know the adventure I had to come helping others!
I used to think I was strong, holding everything in. The truth is I was terrified to feel my emotions in case I never came back from that dark place.
Being able to feel, accept and then release emotion is something that I wish I’d learnt years ago. It would have saved me a lot of suffering, but I suppose I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I do. Now it’s like my favourite thing… shit’s coming up… time to tap!